makingmattersworse
BumpROOKIE
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1
Karma: 0 |  | Prenup or no Prenup?
« Thread Started on Nov 29, 2006, 10:41am » | |
Just yesterday it seemed that the trendy thing to do was sign a Prenup. Everyone was doing it, even the "not so rich and famous." So when my fiance who was older and had children from his first marriage, asked me to sign a Pre-nip, I angrily signed it thinking that I would be a dolt if I didn't.
Would I do it again? NO!
So you know: he was an average Joe with a good job, divorced for 10 years when I met him . . .I was NO Gold Digger! We dated a long time. I thought I knew him and that we had ironed out a lot of things beforehand about children, working, kids education, etc.
Being younger, I had no real assets, but also had no debt. I had worked diligently and successfully for 15 years (through high school, worked my way through college, always had two jobs - and more often than not, worked 60-80 hours per week.)
I never cheated on him, neither during our dating nor our marriage. I didn't drink nor do drugs. I am a great Mom.
So, irreconcilable differences and a Pre-nip should have made things easy?
Nada!
He told me, prenup or not, I WOULD GET NOTHING!!
After 5 long, crushing years - and two years with lawyers who brought me to the point of such chaos that my son was suicidal, the house was in physical ruins and I was left to deal and pay for most of everything just to get away . . . . . . plus his lawyer actively LOST two jobs for me by interfering with my workday to the point that it became a huge problem. . . .
After expecting to be able to work while married but was unable to physically . . . . .
My controlling ex managed all of the money by fraudulently kiting money into and out of our accounts during our marriage, . . .
And because I didn't have the assists to prove this until after the divorce and sale of the house . . . .
He had the upper hand and so did his lawyer.
None of this is addressed in the Pre-nip. He can or she can drag the other through years of counter suits . . . . . .
Keep in mind, unless you address each and every detail . . . . there will always be a million things to obsess about . . . . . furniture. . . .pictures. . . . .he wanted a key to the house while I lived there. . . . who pays the real estate person to sell the house . . . .and guess what, even though I wasn't bringing him to court, I had to pay for my defense of his outrageous motions.
And since I didn't have money for a top notch lawyer, I got nailed to the wall.
I had to pay half of everything in court fees, debts, child fees, etc. I get no alimony, very little child support (he's old and retired, remember?)and I am struggling to physically get back on my feet so that I can work. And believe it or not, though all of his children are married, have homes, second homes, retirement funds etc., and my ex and I still have a teen to put through College, my ex still has the right to give whomever he wants any amount from his life insurance policy, condo and IRA when he passes and I am responsible for half of all of my son's education!!!! It doesn't matter that he and I have been giving his other children help for the past 23 years above and beyond his putting them through college and weddings and loans, etc.
My ex had always said, "we don't need to put money into your IRA because this house is yours when I die," I wasn't thinking about divorce. When I told the judge that I wanted the money that I would have accrued by putting money into my IRA at the minimum rate per year on the tax return plus interest, he asked me why. I told him of our understanding. He asked if I had it in writing. I learned to write everything down now, but too late.
Think you know his character? So did I. I knew all of his friends, colleagues, I even went to his couples counselor thinking I'd vet him well before we married. I thought I was being prudent.
And as far as children go . . . don't think that the courts are fair with regard to children. You have to eat a lot of crow to make sure you child is emotionally healthy. What the child doesn't see, the child doesn't understand. I have and ex who is all lovely in front of our son, but undermines me at every turn. I can't openly object because I look like I'm the nasty person. If people knew what my ex said to me in private, they would die of shock. Tape him? Not admissible. Write it down, they don't want to hear the stories.
The bottom line: I learned that a marriage is a contract of money between two people - not how well you do on the "through thick and thin and till death us do part"
Three different lawyers even confide that Pren ups are rotten. When I asked why they do them? They all said: They make money on both ends. They'd be crazy not to. Each of them said they would not sign one nor have their kids sign one. Only the extremely rich or the very mature with established assets that will be left to grown children should sign them.
So, if you have a crystal ball sign knowing what the future holds then go ahead and sign that pre-nip. But if you are like the rest of us, ask yourself . . . . .
If you are both on this journey together, aren't you both taking the same risks? You're on the line for his debt, shouldn't you both have the same benefits?
Do you really want to be with a person who starts things off with a negative?
Do you want a person who is so distrustful of you, himself and both of your abilities to navigate together that he/she needs an insurance policy against being with you?
Do you want to be with a person who doesn't see you as equal?
Do you want your children to see you as less than your partner? Or the one who has to work harder in the relationship?
If you both have the same amount of assets, why would you want a Pre-nip? The only person who wants the Pre-nip is the person who has more and doesn't want to lose in money.
And the person who has more will have more power in the relationship, in getting a lawyer and in keeping what he already has, built with you and kept from you.
What will you be losing? Years? Emotions? Dreams? Health? Your mind? Your self esteem? The esteem of your family, friends, your children?
To me, getting married is sharing, the good the bad and the ugly and working together. I stayed with him when he was sick and was good to him, he was miserable to me when I was sick. Why not, he had learned that I was not his equal. I signed that away the day I signed the Pre-nip.
Had he been a man of character, the pre-nup would not have been the issue between us. The fact that it was and issue, proved his character and not mine.
By the way, any person who asks you to sign a pre-nip or any document without giving you ample (months of time to go to lawyers, dissect and digest a document and discuss it), is no one you should be with, PERIOD, end of statement.!!!!!
Mine was presented to me after everyone had RSVP. (remember, we had dated for years . . . plenty of time to discuss this!!, I wasn't pregnant, no duress on his part to marry!)
I hope I've been helpful.
PS, If you can get your hands on the DR Phil show aired yesterday, EST, it will give you a perspective of what your life may just turn into. I was very much like the woman thinking about not getting married to the controlling groom. I looked like her in height, weight and general beauty. I ran a 2 million dollar marketing office - brought it from the red to the black in 6 months and did it again with another office. I was not, and still am not a dummy. Circumstances can get the better of you.
You want someone who is your advocate whether or not you have a nickle or a fortune. You don't need someone who is your advisory. A pre-nup is an anti nuptial - a divorce before the wedding, a get out of jail free pass, a "I take it back, I didn't mean it" or "I don't really mean it but I guess you really do because you signed it" "Ha-Ha".
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